But I feel good somewhat.
These days are the busiest for me, so far. And most of the time, I’m surrounded by different people. Yet, during the entire time, I’ve never felt so much alone. So much on my own. But it’s good. Somehow, I’m beginning to feel like myself again, even if it meant getting hurt at times. It may sound cliche, but really, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And I’m hell lot stronger right now. Even loving someone on my own is somewhat easier to handle now, unlike before when I used to be much tender and emotional. But still this holds true: it’s easier to be alone on your own when you’re not emotionally attached to anyone. Definitely not my situation right now. But I’m getting by. However, do I really want to just “get by”?
It’s fun rereading old blog posts. Keeps me grounded and reminds me of how much I have learned over the years. Reminds me that I have actually lived a life.
Here’s a quote from a post I wrote in 2010:
However, it seems that I’m more often left in that chaotic soup of hopeful souls. And sometimes when I do get a shot at it, I feel like someone who’s been picked because there’s nobody else left in there.
My dad’s advice is to not look for love, concentrate on work instead, because “it” will come. Funny thing is, sometimes love comes at right time. But we all know, love also comes at the wrong time. And you wouldn’t want it that way. Ask Barry Manilow.
I tried my best to simply not just wait but try to search for the guy myself. I thought I found him ‘coz I met him at a bookstore. But then, after a while, he decided that happy ending is not going to be with me. I was hoping for another chance, but then maybe he doesn’t believe in second chances. Or maybe it’s because I don’t have that graceful belly (rubber when full).
Well, then maybe I should just look harder. Or maybe just stop altogether and just get a pet dog (I’m actually getting one in a few months).
But you know what? It really doesn’t matter what I’ll do next. I know I can get by. It’s just that I just don’t want to “get by”. We may have many shots at a happy ending. But we have only one shot at life. And life is short.
And since then, I know I have been looking for that happy ending. I have made “adjustments” to myself for different persons who have walked into my life. There were almost hits, but mostly misses. Yet, an elusive happy ending, it seems. Will this be a life of searching?
Among my fb notes and blog posts is the (partial) answer to this question:
“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” – from the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You (posted as an FB note)
Maybe I should just stop looking and just live my life. There are, after all, simple joys that must be cherished. Maybe in time, this guy I’m interested in will realize that it’s no good lingering on a door that has already closed on him and see that I’m worth a chance. Or, maybe not. But then, so what? I can wait or maybe not (opportunities have shelf-lives). I just have to continue living the good life I have, continue doing the good things that I know I must do. Perhaps this is already the happy ending that is meant to be. And in time, I’ll just get used to it. So, when somebody comes by, finds that my life and I are just so damn attractive he can’t help but stop, say hello, and ask me to meld his life with mine, it will just be an added bonus.